Healing from People Pleasing: How Therapy Can Help You Reclaim Your Voice

Do you often find yourself saying yes when your whole body wants to say no? Do you feel anxious when someone’s disappointed in you, or dread the idea of someone being upset? Maybe you go out of your way to make things easier for others, even when it leaves you feeling resentful or burnt out.

If this sounds familiar, it’s likely you’ve developed a people pleasing pattern. You’re not alone, and you’re not doing anything wrong — people pleasing is a really common survival response, especially among folks who are highly sensitive, neurodivergent, LGBTQIA+, or who’ve experienced trauma.

At Inclusive Minds Counselling in Hobart, I work with people who are beginning to realise that their constant caretaking or people-pleasing might be hurting more than helping. Through trauma-informed, affirming counselling, we unpack where these patterns come from and gently explore what it means to come back to yourself.

What is people pleasing?

People pleasing is more than just being nice or helpful. At its core, it’s a nervous system response — a pattern of putting others’ comfort and approval ahead of your own needs, even when it leaves you feeling depleted.

It can look like:

• Saying yes to things you don’t actually want to do

• Avoiding conflict or hard conversations, even if it means betraying yourself

• Apologising often, even when you haven’t done anything wrong

• Feeling overly responsible for how others feel

• Struggling to speak up for yourself or name what you want

• Feeling guilt or shame when you set a boundary

For many people, people pleasing starts in childhood. It might have been the only way to feel safe, loved, or accepted. Maybe you were praised for being easygoing, helpful, or “low maintenance.” Maybe conflict in your home was unpredictable, or big feelings weren’t welcome, so you learned to keep yours tucked away.

Over time, this becomes a way of relating to the world. It can show up in relationships, at work, with friends and family — and even in therapy, where you might find yourself filtering or performing instead of being fully honest.

Why it’s so hard to stop

Even if you’ve started to realise that people pleasing is exhausting, stopping it can feel terrifying. Your body might interpret it as unsafe to say no, assert yourself, or disappoint someone — even in small ways. This fear is often stored in the nervous system, not logic. You might know intellectually that it’s okay to set a boundary, but your body goes into panic or freeze when you try.

If you’re neurodivergent or LGBTQIA+, you may have developed people pleasing as a form of masking — a way to fit into systems and spaces that weren’t built for you. You might be so used to shapeshifting that you’ve lost touch with your own preferences or pace.

You might also find that:

• You second guess yourself constantly

• You feel drained in social situations

• You feel guilty when you take time for yourself

• You don’t really know what you want anymore

These are all very normal responses to long-term people pleasing. The good news is — with support, you can gently start to untangle them.

How trauma-informed counselling can help

At Inclusive Minds Counselling, I offer trauma-informed therapy in Hobart and online across Tasmania. My approach is gentle, collaborative, and affirming. You don’t need to justify your pain or be anyone other than who you are.

Here’s how therapy can support you in healing from people pleasing:

1. Understanding the roots

Together, we explore how people pleasing developed in your life. This might include reflecting on childhood dynamics, past relationships, or how systems of oppression have shaped your self-expression. We approach this with compassion and curiosity — not blame. It’s not about judging the parts of you that kept you safe. It’s about understanding them, and helping them relax.

2. Reconnecting to your needs

When you’ve spent years tuned in to what everyone else needs, it can be hard to identify your own. In therapy, we make space for the question: what do you want? We slow things down and practise noticing your inner cues — things like hunger, tiredness, emotion, interest, desire, and boundaries. Learning to honour your own internal signals is a radical act of self-connection.

3. Building tolerance for discomfort

One of the hardest parts of recovering from people pleasing is tolerating the discomfort that comes with change — the guilt after saying no, the fear of upsetting someone, the awkwardness of expressing a different opinion. Therapy helps you build capacity to sit with these feelings without being overwhelmed by them. We work with your nervous system and pace things in a way that feels safe.

4. Practising new skills

Healing is not just insight — it’s practice. We practise naming needs, setting boundaries, saying “let me think about it” instead of “yes” straight away. You might rehearse conversations in session, write things down first, or explore ways of responding that feel more aligned with who you are becoming.

5. Unpacking identity and power dynamics

People pleasing is often tied to power — whether from family roles, cultural expectations, workplace dynamics, or social conditioning. For queer, trans, and neurodivergent folks, this can be particularly layered. My role is to hold space for your lived experience, and to support you to reclaim a voice that may have been silenced.

What healing can look like

Healing from people pleasing is not about swinging the other way and becoming brash or inflexible. It’s about balance. It’s about giving yourself the same care, consideration, and empathy you’ve always given others.

It can look like:

• Saying “I need to think about that” without rushing

• Letting someone be disappointed without spiralling

• Choosing rest even when others are still going

• Asking for what you need and allowing it to matter

• Feeling your nervous system stay steady after a boundary

Over time, you might notice you feel more grounded. Your relationships might start to feel more mutual and respectful. You might feel less anxious and more clear on who you are.

You don’t have to do it perfectly. There is no perfect. But you can begin, one step at a time.

A note if this is new for you

If you’ve never had a space where your needs were welcome, therapy can feel both strange and relieving. It’s okay to take your time. There’s no rush. You’re allowed to unlearn, relearn, and come home to yourself in your own way.

I offer counselling in Sandy Bay and Telehealth across Tasmania. My practice is LGBTQIA+ affirming, neurodiversity-affirming, and trauma-informed. If you’re someone who’s felt like too much or not enough — someone who gives a lot and wonders if there’s room left for you — I’d love to support you.

Ready to take the next step?

You can book a session online, or reach out if you have questions. Sometimes, the first boundary we practise is showing up for ourselves.

You deserve to take up space. You deserve rest. You deserve to be known, not just liked.